Cat Chat – Alyson Woloshyn Launches Blog – Post 1

Filling the Uncomfortable Space

On April 24th, 2009 I was admitted to Emergency at Foothills Hospital presenting severe headaches and vomiting.  That evening doctor’s discovered a brain tumor  which led to brain surgery on May 1st. One week later, my doctors told me that I have a malignant “incurable”  brain tumor (Glioblastoma Multiform – GBM). On May 7th, 2009 and at the age of 32, I started my journey as a cancer survivor.

I had the idea to blog this journey soon after my surgery on May 1st.  The surgery was to remove a 6.5 cm tumor, which was causing severe headaches.  Surgery successfully removed the majority of this mass, and I was alert and back to myself just after surgery.  About two hours after surgery the neurosurgeon saw me and provided the following “results”:

“We removed quite a bit of stuff, and you do have quite a bit of extra space in there [your head]. Your brain will need time to heal, bounce back and fill the space. The brain does heal very quickly but you may feel a little swooshy in there while the space rebuilds.”  

My partner, Jared, told me that I needed to get a hobby to fill the swooshy space. 
My brother, Cam, told me to fill that space with a blog.

Cat Chat is Conceived

I had always wanted to start a blog, but always struggled to find something to say.  To this day, my twitter page – alywo – has no bio because I can’t think of something interesting to write to about myself. But I have always written. I keep several different journals that hold different ideas, different themes and different points of view.  I don’t write everyday but I do write often.  The writing typically recounts parts of my day and it helps me work through specific personal problems.   There are few entries that I feel are significant enough to inspire others, and consequently the entries are private, for my eyes, thoughts, reflection and action only.

Since my diagnosis, things are different.  My journal entries are more significant.  I am more aware of the “coincidences” that are occurring in my life and how these ’coincidences’ are lining up in a way to ensure that I am protected and prepared for this significant journey.  My friends and family are being inspired to do things because of my journey.  In my journals, I often wrote about wanting to motivate people in this way. I started to see that my experiences could help accomplish this goal.

With my brothers encouragement, I started writing down these stories outside of my journal .  The main goal was to chronicle my survivor story and watch how I changed as I worked through the process of coming to terms with my diagnosis.  I chose to write the stories differently than how I approached my private journaling.  I adopted a point of view that would allow me to share these stories publicly should I feel comfortable.     I found the writing process cathartic as it led me to reflect on my journey, to examine the process of coming to terms with my diagnosis, to understand what I have learned, and it helped to provide clarity on what step to take next.  It also allowed me to respond to moments, events, and feelings in a completely genuine way.  Writing is an independent and solitary activity, at least for me. When I write, I do not need to be concerned about protecting the person with whom I share my story.  When I write, I do not need to worry about writing the right thing.  When I write, I can just react and let my words release what I am feeling.   I can be completely honest in terms of how I feel, and as such be completely honest in terms of how I need to take my next step.   When I write, I am my most authentic.  When I am my most authentic, I am my strongest.   When I am my strongest, I have no doubt I am a survivor. 

But I still struggled with publishing these stories.  Although significant and authentic to me, how would they be important to others?  What would I say?  Why are these stories relevant?    Why would people read?  Why would people care? 

I found that missing purpose in the mountains on the 2009 May Long Weekend – Here is the story.

On the May 2009 long weekend, Jared and I went camping.  We typically meet our friends Amy and Trevor every May Long Weekend at their trailer in some beautiful oasis in southern Alberta.  This year it was Waterton Park in the southwest corner of Alberta.  I always have a great time at Amy and Trevor’s trailer,  playing with their dogs Molson and Bailey, meeting new people, hiking and exploring the mountains. I had been excited about this trip for weeks, as it had been booked prior to learning that I had a brain tumour. As the weekend approached I felt well, so Jared and I decided that a weekend away was just what we both needed.

How we know Amy and Trevor – Amy and Jared met at university over a decade ago, and they both moved to Alberta to practice.  Amy met Trevor about a year after she moved to Taber, AB.  Although they live in Taber, AB, we see them often and consider them extremely close friends.    When they found out I was in the hospital, they sent a cookie basket with a note telling me that eating cookies would relieve the tumor.  When Jared told Amy that I had to have surgery, they asked when it was and then drove 2 hours from Taber the day after surgery to see me, and to take Jared and my brother out  for lunch. 

On camping weekends, Amy and Trevor’s trailer is open to anyone who can come.  Most of the people coming that May Long weekend were from Taber and part of Trevor’s family.  Because we have camped with Amy and Trevor before, some of these people were familiar, if only through stories shared by Amy and Trevor, but many we met for the first time on May 16, 2009.

One challenge that I experience since diagnosis is seeing or meeting people for “the first time.”  There is always the elephant in the room when I see people of “What do you know about my story?”   My story is long, and even the public information can seem “private” depending on whom you know and where you look on FaceBook.   So when I arrived for camping I didn’t know what people knew about my diagnosis, or even if they knew I had been in the hospital.  Quite frankly, I hoped that they didn’t know much as I was craving a change of subject.  At minimum, I hoped that my situation might go unnoticed.

A couple that we had met at previous trailer weekends were Chelsea and Paul, who arrived at the trailer a few hours after we did.  They are a really sweet couple, who although we don’t know well, we always enjoy spending time with  at Amy and Trevor’s. 

After lunch, a few hours after Chelsea and Paul had arrived,  we were cleaning up and Chelsea came up to me and said, genuinely

 “Alyson I just wanted to let you know that I have heard what has happened to you. I am really sorry to hear  about your news.” 

She then struggled to find the right words to say next and all she could say was

 “I don’t know what to else say”

She felt uncomfortable and for the first time I also felt awkward with how to respond to her genuine concern and sadness for me.   I responded in my natural way, which is with humour, and used my Hallmark Card analogy, saying:

“ What can you say?  This is why there are no greeting cards that say – ‘So I hear you have a Malignant Brain Tumor’ – What does Hallmark put in the inside of the card– it’s too complicated.  Would never sell.” I forced a smile and a laugh.

Unfortunately my attempt at tumor humour  did not clear the uncomfortable space around us. But Trevor did. He said boldly “I am going to make wrapping paper that says Happy F@$%ing  Whatever – for occasions like this.” We all laughed and joked about creating a Hallmark Type Store filled with inappropriate items that you could give people when they got news like mine.  My friend Lisa has since sent me a card that will go into this store and am looking for ideas to contribute to my “business plan”.  Watch the tumor humour link of alysonwoloshyn.com to contribute

Chelsea’s loss for the right words to say wasn’t new for me nor was it a unique reaction.  Finding out that someone you know and care about has a severe form of cancer  – seriously, what can you say? What words would fill a space that huge with the support you wish to extend?

Although I had been in that uncomfortable space several times over the past few days, I was surprised that it was with an acquaintance, Chelsea, where for the first time I felt I couldn’t resolve the awkwardness.  I needed to understand the significance of this  “irresolvable” instance as part of my process.

I reflected and I journaled about this moment to find a clear way to resolve it.  I feel the moment was uncomfortable and irresolvable for me because there was too much to share with Chelsea: too many significant stories, too many relevant moments that would have put into context the journey I was on and help to move us from a space of uneasiness to a space of strength.  I realized that in fact, it wasn’t Chelsea who didn’t know what to say. It was actually me that couldn’t find the best way to articulate why everything was going to be all right.   It was me who was at the loss for words because I had too much to share, and no way to share it in a positive way that would have relieved the uncomfortable weight of my diagnosis in that particular moment.

Finding Purpose in a Blog

This experience helped to reveal the purpose for my blog which is to fill the uncomfortable space cancer has created with strength and positivity.

Specifically  the purpose is to fill the uncomfortable space with the significant stories that

• Illustrate  my process of becoming a cancer survivor
• Inspires strength to support my survivor (survival) story 
• Involves people actively in my journey and
• Ignites others to take action, accountability and invite me into their own journeys whatever journey that may be

Cat Chat is Born 

I’ve called my blog “Cat Chat.”  I have many nicknames, but the one that I have always liked best is “Cat”.  In my University of Calgary persona I often referred to “Cat Chat” when I am teaching leadership sessions to students and staff.   “Cat Chat” summarizes the lessons that we learnedwith a distinctly Alyson Woloshyn point of view.   “Cat Chat” is advice from the heart.   No research, no theory, just raw, sincere advice from the Cat.

 Cat Chat Lives

And so it begins, my blog is launched with this first official post.   A series of stories will soon follow where I will introduce you to my significant moments.  You will meet my loved ones, you will see me at my best, and see some of my worst.  I will be honest and authentic as it is all I can be when I write.  I invite you to be the same.  This space is ours.  Although I may choose  the discussion topics, I invite you to join the conversation and help fill this uncomfortable space with strength and hope by sharing your reactions, ideas, resources, talents and time.  This gift of support through active participation in my stories is the best gift I could ever hope to receive.

 I look forward to talking with you soon and often,

 Thank you

  Alyson Woloshyn

 Brain Cancer Survivor – May 2009

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