Finding Purpose in a New Routine

A few weeks ago, I met with my psychiatrist and he alluded to the challenges I may have once radiation was over.  Specifically that many people that go through my treatment find that once radiation is over the day to day becomes a little more depressing since there is no formal structure.  On July 5^th I posted an article from the New York Times called “Losing a Comfortable Ritual:Treatment”  where the author, Dana Jennings, speaks  about her withdrawal from treatment.  In both situations I could relate to the challenges that they spoke of, the loss of structure, loss of connection with people, and a potential loss of purpose. All of these outcomes I could see occurring to people once their radiation routine was completed, however I didn’t expect these outcomes to happen to me, in fact I was really looking forward to my radiation ending as it meant my schedule would be completely my own to structure at my heart’s desire.

Today I wrote to a friend Dwayne Keir. I met Dwayne backpacking almost 5 years ago through mutual friends.  After the trip we became friends through the internet (Facebook) and haven’t spoken much since our post backpack beer in Canmore.  Dwayne is also a cancer survivor and when he heard my news he  reconnected to offer his support.  In the email I sent him today I spoke about my transition from radiation

“Kinda weird trying to get into a new routine where really, you don’t have to accomplish anything today – to get motivated to put down the remote and accomplish stuff”

Later on as I was doing the dishes from dinner, I came back to that statement and realized that maybe I wasn’t making the post radiation transition as smoothly as I thought I would and that I am having problems with my new routine.

It’s a challenging to articulate the uncomfortable feeling I have when I think about my current “day to day”.  I have things that I want to accomplish.  Make the bed, make dinner for Jared, do grocery shopping seem to be the daily agenda items.  Prepare and eat nutritious foods, exercise, and connect with loved ones through facebook/twitter are also top priorities.  Then there are always the random errands that take up my to do list as well as the odd appointment or social date with a friend.  Finally reading and writing are those tasks that I always want to do but too often TV does get the better of me.

These tasks are important, absolutely, but it seems almost selfish that I get all this time to focus on myself.  The majority of these tasks are really only benefitting me and I do often feel uncomfortable talking with pride about everything I “accomplished” with my friends who are working at the daily grind.  There is definitely some guilt that I can do all these things for myself and not have to worry about making time for work the way the rest of the world does. 

A few weeks back I went to my office o do some more transition with my team and to reconnect with friends at work..  The question “Do you miss work?” came up a lot.  It was a challenging question to answer and I typically responded with, “I miss the people, but I don’t miss the work” and I would explain that my lament for the office was difficult to specifically articulate.  I think through writing this, what I have realized is that the guilt I am feeling is more related to a lament for a loss of purpose. 

I have always had a very busy professional schedule.  I have never worked a 35 hour work week.   I knew that I should cut back but if I am honest with myself I have often felt that people who didn’t put in a minimum 50 – 60 hour week, well, weren’t committed enough to their jobs.  Although I would complain to friends and family about how much time I was spending at the office, inside I felt proud that I was working that hard and I could accomplish so much.  Because I was important at work, I had purpose, and I was successful.   I was always very proud of this success and would define my purpose through my professional accomplishments. 

Yet I think back to the hundreds of messages I have received from friends, family and strangers, providing their support and expressing the impact I have made on their lives.  None of them talk about my professional accomplishments.  Some talk about the impact I have made in their lives within the context of a professional role I had, but all the messages speak to the type of person that I am rather than tasks that I accomplished during those extra 15- 25 hours a week I felt were so critical to defining my purpose.    Maybe it never was the things I did during my daily grind routine that really mattered to people?  So if it wasn’t those tasks then what is my purpose in my day to day?

For Christmas 2002, my brother Cam gave my Mom, Dad and myself a very special present.  He wrote poems for each of us,  then typed them (on a typewriter) on linen.  The typing alone must have taken him hours.  All three of us have kept them.  Mine always hung in my office on a bulletin board, now it’s on one at home.  I remember reading it in 2002 and one verse in particular made me stop and think

… and so many people always ask of me – what you’re gonna do next
They are as impressed as I am.

But what about you, where are you gonna go tomorrow.
Let me know, make it fun
And don’t kill all your time on the bosses phone servicing clients desires
Pursue what is yours

I pulled it down and reread that verse today.  I feel ashamed that 7 years ago I read that powerful verse and thought “He’s right, I need to pursue what’s mine” and today I feel purposeless without work to dictate my schedule.  Why is it that I feel without a job description, that the things I accomplish today for myself are not as, or more important, than the things I would have accomplished in the office?

I am currently reading the book “Daily Inspirations” by Robin Sharma which has  a specific inspiration for each day.  Each night I read today’s inspiration and then I journal my response.  Last night there was an especially significant quote. 

“Give the main aim of your life over to far more important pursuits such as discovery of your highest potential, giving of yourself to others and making a difference by living for something more important than yourself. 
Success is fine but significance is the real name of the game.”

Success is fine, but significance is the real name of the game.

Pretty profound statement and it helps me find purpose in my new routine.

My daily tasks are meant to find my highest potential, which includes all the tasks I am doing to help ensure I can beat my cancer and maintain such a high quality of life.  Like eating well, exercising, meditation, naturopath appointments and of course all the medical appointments and tasks.  I have to focus consistently on completing these tasks to ensure I can reach my highest potential as a cancer survivor.

My daily tasks allow me to give myself to others which include all the time I spend responding to messages I receive from people as well as actively connecting with friends, family and strangers who I can help.  Whether it is some words of advice or offering an ear to listen, taking care of my relationships is important.  It also means writing and sharing my experience, which I hope, inspires others to also work towards their highest potential.

My daily tasks are focused on making a difference by living for something more important than myself.  More important than myself is finding a cure for cancer, that would impact over 28 million people. So I will fundraise and unequivocally support this cause.   More important than myself is hope specifically that tomorrow will be brighter.  So I will offer advice from my journey and try to support any person to whom I can offer this hope.   More important than myself is love.  I look around my room and I see pictures, cards, gifts, and other items that remind me of the people who love me, to whom I am significant. Appreciating that enormous gift of love is always every present in all my daily tasks.  That love is what gives me hope of a brighter tomorrow and makes me want to reach my highest potential in order to spend more time with these people who care so much about me.

Tonight as I write this I am having a paradigm shift.  I am shifting from success to significance.  Don’t get me wrong, I am looking forward to the day I am well enough to head back to work and continue to have professional success.   I feel that within work I can still reach my highest potential, give myself to others, and focus on making a difference for something more important than myself – especially working in the public sector, these 3 key goals I can achieve within my “daily grind”.   However I will also take my brothers advice and make my professional life fun and pursue what is mine.  I will for the first time really understand what a persons true purpose is all about, and it’s not about the number of hours that you work or things you check off your professional to do list.   I look forward to going back to work when I can walk to the walk with this new sense of purpose.     

 This morning when I wrote that email to my friend Dwayne, I felt that my tasks for the day were mundane and unimportant.  This evening I spoke to my brother and we chatted about these tasks that I am doing everyday and he said “It is a full time job, taking care of yourself.”  And he was happy that I am making it a full time job to take care of myself.  He sees my daily tasks as anything but mundane or unimportant.    Within the paradigm shift, I can see that my new “daily grind” is not selfish but rather extremely significant to my journey.   My new routine is about doing significant things to bring out my highest potential as a cancer survivor and there is nothing selfish or mundane about that.