Your Best Success

On a red piece of paper, tacked to my bulletin board is quote by John Wooden that reads

“Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self satisfaction in knowing you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming.”

I am not sure where I found this inspirational page or how long I have had it. It’s dated May 1997 which leads me to think that I picked up one summer while working as a Coordinator for KW Parks and Recreation.   Regardless of how it came to be in my possession, I know I have had it for some time.  With each new job I would take down my photos and pages from the bulletin board that always was placed above my computer screen, carefully pack the items in a box and transport them to my new office where they would find a new home once again in eye sight just above the top of my monitor.   Each time I might change up the pictures or change the placement of where certain items were tacked however the one constant always seemed to be the bright red page reminding me, that at the end of the day if I had given my best, well that meant success.

There is no question that I had early success professionally.  Since graduating in 2000 I have had 6 different job titles, almost all of them including increased responsibility.   When I accepted a new position I would not limit my duties to the breakdown of the job description but rather would look to find the central purpose of role and then would take the initiative to create and complete projects I felt would best meet that central purpose.  Of the 6 positions I have held, 3 were brand new positions which I was the first to hold and in all jobs it was rare that I would have received an orientation or training to prepare me for my new role and responsibilities.    Although at times challenging to be thrown into a new job with little direction, I am not one who does well with structure.  Consequently, I think allowing me the opportunity to be creative in how I shaped projects and how I spent my time ensure that I produced my best work and ultimately created successful programs for my employer.

Despite my career succession I rarely have a clear idea on where my success might take me.   One of my strengths is my mind for strategy and I feel that it is this strength that helped me advanced, despite a lack of defined career planning.   I listen attentively in conversations to help me identify gaps or concerns.  I watch for opportunities to partner with like minded individuals.  I understand that creating a successful program is not only about what I can bring to the table but also includes making sure the program is be the best fit for the intended audience.   Inevitably through this process I am able to, as one supervisor told me, make the impossible possible and ultimately produce my best work and achieve success.   It was through this success that new professional opportunities would present themselves and often they would include professional advancement, which I would consider, pursue and frequently accept.

In spite of the long hours I can look back at most of my professional career with a huge sense of pride on what I accomplished.  Sure there are failures, embarrassing moments or times where I really screwed up however I could probably count on one hand the big errors that really mattered.   What I can’t count on one hand are the hundreds of students and colleagues that my success has inspired and motivated.   This is personified in the messages I have received since diagnosis from people I have worked with for the last 10 years, like the following from a student leader;

“I want to tell you that your profession had a great impact on me, especially when you were in the front line with students. Whether in listening to you or just seeing you leading/presenting/talking to students in the Leadership Program and many other occasions, you really had a beautiful aura and a strong presence with a powerful, energizing, and of course, contagious effect on us all. I wasn’t aware you spent 50-60 hours a week, but let me tell you, it showed. Your passion to what you were doing and your enthusiasm were evident – and that all what matters. Those little tasks, those little things that probably made the difference between “good” and “best.” For that, I salute you.”

I don’t know what those little tasks were that made the difference to her but I can remember many days I would turn off my computer, briefly glance at the red page and then walk to the bus with an overwhelming sense of pride, that on that day,  I did my best and no matter what my title was, I had achieved success.

I recently had lunch with a colleague from work.   At lunch she asked me about how I was transitioning from my professional work world to my new day to day of personal work.  I told her about how I was keeping active with my gym and nutrition routine.  We talked a little bit about the volunteering that I am currently doing for the Calgary Stampede and the Alberta Cancer Foundation.  We chatted about Yoga and my upcoming meditation course and what I was learning from these new interests.  She responded the way most people do when they find out how I spend my days with “It’s good you are keeping yourself busy.”

I agreed with this statement but then admitted that it is a struggle day in and day out.  I told her how some days I feel really great about what I accomplished while other days I feel that I am filling my day with “make work” activities, trying to give myself some purpose although not finding anything meaningful within it.  I remember telling her that I have always been an ambitious person and now I feel that ambition is creating anxiety.   I discussed how although I have really enjoyed writing, I feel embarrassed by the quality of my website where my writing is published.   I revealed my insecurities around preparing proposals to solicit speaking opportunities and was jealous when she described other cancer survivors she had heard speak.     She listened compassionately and agreed with me that being such an ambitious person it would be natural for me to seek these opportunities.  She offered some great advice and we enjoyed a lovely walk home before we said our goodbyes.

That evening there was something about the conversation that left me uneasy.  Early after my diagnosis a counselor advised me that if I am thinking about something and the thought makes me uncomfortable, I should stop and explore it.  I mentally reviewed the conversation and mindfully made note of the parts where I felt most uncomfortable.   The tipping point was easy to pinpoint and I became aware that I had strange familiarity with the uncomfortable sensation.   When I thought about the colleague agreeing with me that I was ambitious, I felt a strong knot in my stomach, became anxious and my mind began to race.   I was aware that my familiarity with the feeling was because over the past few weeks I had had similar conversations about my ambition, albeit they were private conversations within my own head.  Regardless of whether the conversations were out loud with a friend or private with myself it was the thought of “ambition” that would always take away my peace of mind.

Ambition is defined as the desire for personal achievement.   A person who is described as ambitious seeks to be the best at what they choose to do for attainment, power, or superiority.[1] Looking at the definition I feel it’s easy for people to think of the words success and ambition as synonymous.  Before exploring my uneasiness with my own ambition, I am not sure if I would have made a distinction between these two qualities but my discomfort obviously indicated that I believed they were not equal.   I theorized that although I believe that often successful people are ambitious, I feel that ambition does not always bring success.   I looked for case studies to support my thesis and reflected on my former managers’ sense of ambition and my perception of their success.

Counting back over my career I have had 10 managers, some more than once.   With the exception of 1 or 2, I would unequivocally describe all of them as ambitious however my perception of each’s success varies.   For those managers I might describe as less successful, the characteristic that unites them is their behaviour when faced with a decision that might make them unpopular with people who ultimately influenced their own personal advancement even when these people had no sincere investment in the success of the manager.  For my “less than” managers,  in most of these difficult situations I feel they would choose behaviour to satisfy these people of influence, even if it meant that my manager did something they felt was not the best thing to do.   Although in public they would defend their choice, their actions would always speak louder than words and it would be clear that the only thing their choice was best for was their own personal advancement.

Luckily I have worked for more managers who I would describe as “more than” managers; the managers I feel had great success in their role.   I have been fortunate to see some extraordinary examples of leadership in my short career as I have watched my “more than” managers make very difficult decisions that often would make them extremely unpopular.  I will admit there were even times I would leave meetings with them and be infuriated by a decision that I disagreed with.  Nevertheless time and time again when the dust would settle, new information would arise and I would be able to see clearly the circumstances that influenced their actions.  In that moment I could see that despite outside influences and at times even at the risk of their own careers, they would step up and choose behaviour that they believed would be the best thing to support their team and achieve success.   At times it meant that I watched my “more than” managers be publicly criticized by their superiors and in some cases these extraordinary leaders were even pushed out of the organization (although all have too much integrity to admit that this was the reason why they chose to leave).  Luckily all these managers have moved on to bigger and brighter success.  They taught me that you should never let your ambition influence how you can achieve your best work and if you do your best work, success will inevitably follow.

After reviewing the case studies I could understand more clearly what it was about the thought of “ambition” that made me so uncomfortable.   I reflected on the moment that my colleague had agreed with me that she felt that I was ambitious and I could remember that in her agreement I felt disappointed and embarrassed.   The response I wanted to hear from her was that I was more successful than ambitious.   No doubt she would say that the words ambition and success are the same thing however the reflection of the leaders in my life confirmed my theory that ambition and success are not synonymous.  I realized what separates success and ambition is external recognition of achieving your best work.  What made me uncomfortable when my colleague agreed that I was ambitious was my perception that she felt I would put external recognition of a professional achievement ahead of doing what I felt was best for my team, my colleagues, my work or myself.   Although I believe that she does not feel this way about my professional work, the conversation helped me clarify how I could bring peace of mind in the private conversations I am having about my new personal work.

I appreciate now that in my personal work I have been following the examples of my “less than” managers.  Specifically I was feeling anxiety to improve my website because I thought the organization and length of content would be a barrier to allowing me to get more hits and increase my profile.  I recognized that I felt most motivated to pursue speaking opportunities right after I saw someone on TV talk about their story with cancer or would talk to someone about some the speaking they had recently done.   Just as my “less than” managers had done I was choosing my actions based on my desire for attainment of celebrity, rather than with my desire to do my best work.  This behaviour is completely in congruent with my set of values which is why I could never find peace of mind when I thought about my personal work ambitions.

Don’t get me wrong, I still have the desire for achievement within my personal work however I know that if something feels uncomfortable I need to step back and work it out.   I have desires to share my story but because I feel it is inspiring and that by sharing it I can helpo other  people overcome their challenges, not because I want my 15 minutes of fame.  I recognize though that I can’t force how my story might be shared with the masses.   Bob Dylan once said “Basically you have to suppress your own ambitions in order to be who you need to be”.   Similar to my professional work where I never had an idea of where my success might take me, personally I am comfortable to accept that I have yet to define who I need to be.  But now that I am focused on my best work rather than achievement, I have peace of mind about the journey.

The red page was packed carefully in a box last April and returned to me with other photos and personal items that came home from my office.  It now sits to the right of my monitor and is often where my eyes gaze as I struggle to find success in my to dos of personal work.   With personal work measuring success  I understand now is personal.   It’s the feeling I get when I get back from a great run.  It’s the smile I can release when I have pushed through the last chaturanga in my Yoga class.  It’s the sense of accomplishment I feel when I complete a proposal for an event for Stampede.   It’s the adrenaline rush I feel after I have finished speaking for the Alberta Cancer Foundation.   It’s the sigh of satisfaction I release when I place a period on the last sentence of a new blog entry.  Just like when I would walk to the bus after work, it’s the sense of pride I feel when I am lying in bed, accepting that on this day I did the best I could to become the best I am capable of becoming.   It’s knowing that if I do my best and forget the rest, I will only achieve success.

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[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambition