My Most Important Journal - October 13, 2009
For Christmas 1997 I bought myself a journal. I love keeping journals and I often have 3 or 4 different journals, each for a specific, purpose simultaneously on the go. I start a lot of journals and it’s rare that I actually fill all the pages before a new adventure begins which motivates me to start fresh with new pages and a new journal purchase. My 1997 journal, however, is still going strong.
The journal I bought is “The Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude” by Sarah Ban Breathnach. The specific purpose of the journal is to make time each day to document 5 things you are thankful for. The opening quote by John Milton reads “Good, the more communicated, the more abundant grows.” Each week there are inspirational quotes that accompany blank lines, 5 under each day, which provide an opportunity for “renewal, reflection, and reconnection” I felt a calmness when I read the author’s purpose for the journal and imagined myself feeling a sense of calm completing its’ pages. I purchased the journal and made a New Year’s Resolution to take 5 minutes before going to sleep each night to reflect and document the things I am most grateful for at that moment.
Like most New Year’s Resolutions I came out of the gate strong, however, never quite made the 21-day mark which experts claim is how long it takes for something to truly become a habit. I made it to about mid-month and then my entries were pretty spotty for 1998. However, the journal remained on my nightstand as a reminder of my resolution to recognize the many gifts I am given each day.
During the past 12 years, the journal has never strayed far from my nightstand. I have moved almost a dozen times and in each move, I have looked at the journal and thought “Is it time to move on? Am I really going to complete this journal? Does it really matter if I take time each day to silently recognize what I am thankful for?” In those moments I would open the pages, review a few of the entries and I would reconnect with all the things that made my life so incredible. Inspired, I would close the journal smiling. I would place the journal intentionally back on my nightstand as a reminder of all I have to be thankful for and would again resolve to a daily commitment to documenting the abundance I had been given.
Somewhere along the line, looks like, in 2003 or 2004, I realized I was never going to be someone who every day made the time to formally reflect on what I was grateful for in my journal. I didn’t give up entirely on it but recognized if I only made an entry once a week or once a month, it was better than nothing. Realizing I wouldn’t make daily entries I started including the year behind the date. If there were entries already on the pages I would review the entries and try to determine what year I might have made them. Some were easy, as my entry would document a specific person or event that I could easily pinpoint to a period of time. However, some entries were more ambiguous which made determining an exact timeline sometimes impossible.
I love when I come across an entry where I can’t pinpoint the year or moreover when I can’t even pinpoint the specific event that motivated my specific entries of gratitude. Take July 8th, the year still unknown, I was grateful for:
Pretzels.
Great action movies with Seth Green.
Cool Cars and Warm Evenings.
Gift certificates that were unexpected.
Jared’s discipline and will that I admire so much.
What happened on July 8th sometime between 1998 – 2003/04? Did I see the Italian Job? Did I have one of those soft cinnamon and sugar pretzels that you can get at the movie theatres? Did Jared not get a pretzel and that is why I admired him? Was it the night I randomly volunteered for the Classic Car Show in downtown Kitchener and almost got mugged trying to find the volunteer check-in? Maybe, but there is no way to be sure - It’s a mystery. What I love about this particular mystery though is how it reminded me of that crazy night at the Classic Car show and how randomly I volunteered for special events in KW. It reminds me I loved going to the movie theatre down by Sportsworld in Kitchener, simply to get a deep-fried, soft pretzel, covered in white sugar and cinnamon. (Looking back with my new knowledge of white flour and sugar, maybe not the best choice, but still fun to remember.) I am reminded that I love the movie the Italian Job and that maybe the unexpected gift certificate was used to purchase the copy we now have in our DVD collection. The timeline ceases to be important with these mystery entries but rather what is important is I develop a clearer understanding that even in the simplest of things, such as going to a movie; I have a lot to be grateful for.
Surprisingly it was the task of reviewing all the entries to try and determine timelines that really helped me understand some of the things I value most. For instance, on February 24th (again year between 1998 – 2003/04) I was grateful for:
My parents who support me.
The rationality of Amanda Rose (one of my best friends who I met in Grade 8).
My friends who love me.
Modern technology.
Meditation.
Although these are specific entries there are obvious themes present, specifically relationships (parents, Amanda, friends), The Moment (meditation), and Work (Modern Technology). I can tell you that these specific entries come up again, on different days, for different reasons, throughout my journal as do many other names and common events or activities. When entries are reviewed individually the themes are difficult to see. However when you flip through the pages and you review the entries all at once the common themes of gratitude are impossible to miss. These themes of gratitude highlight what brings you the most abundant happiness and success. More specifically it helps you clarify the things in your life that really matter the most or rather the themes clarify your values.
A common compliment I have received since my diagnosis is that I am a very optimistic person. It’s not a word I would have ever used to describe myself. I think people often use optimism as a synonym for hope consequently people who are optimistic have hope; hope for a better tomorrow, hope for a cure and hope that everything is going to be all right. Moreover, I think people often think of optimistic people as positive people. It is probably the hope or optimism for a better future, for a cure, that everything is going to be alright, that allows the person to find positivity in even the toughest of challenges. While I do believe I am an optimistic person it is not hoping for a better tomorrow, hope for a cure, or hope that everything is going to be alright that keeps me positive. Aside from hope for a cure, I don’t need to optimistically hope for anything because I know I have been given all the gifts I need for a better future. I know that everything is going to be alright because I have everything I need to ensure I can make it through whatever life throws at me. I write about these gifts all the time and when I feel like there is nothing to be thankful for I reach for my journal and am reminded of the continued abundance I have in my life. My positive or optimistic attitude comes from my ability to be sincerely grateful for all I have been given.
It took some time for me to continue writing in my journal during the months immediately following my diagnosis but I still practiced gratitude daily in different ways. I wrote a lot of thank you notes to loved ones who came to visit me in the hospital or who sent gifts. When I would explain my diagnosis I would focus on the things I was grateful for, like how close I live to the hospital, the strength of my medical team, or the fact that my chemo was oral and I could take it at home rather than focusing on grim statistics or potential hardships I might face. I would also pray. I am not a religious person but I have developed a stronger understanding of what it means to have “faith” through this journey. I remember a specific prayer that I said as I fell asleep on May 1st in the neuro ward after successful brain surgery. The surgery was extremely smooth, in fact, I was experiencing very little discomfort. I was alert and able to communicate almost immediately after the procedure and the neuro-surgeon said he had removed everything he wanted. I had no headaches and I felt safe and secure. I knew that there were still unknowns but I also knew I had made it through the difficult milestone of brain surgery very successfully. I knew I would make it to tomorrow. As I closed my eyes to sleep I became overwhelmed with emotion and for the first time in my life, I connected spiritually to a higher purpose. I reflected on the knowledge and skills of my medical team who did such an incredible procedure. I reflected on all the people that were praying for me, thinking of me, and protecting me during the surgery. I knew it was these gifts of knowledge, skills, love, prayers, and strength that carried me through that important milestone safely. I brought my palms together on my chest and I used two words to encompass all that I felt. I prayed aloud the words - “Thank You”
There is no question that although I have new challenges I have an abundant life and I have much to be grateful for. I have become more consistent in my journal writing and the 2009 entries will most likely outnumber all previous years combined. Many of the gratitude themes and values remain consistent however 2009 brings a new theme of gratitude that revolves around my medical gifts. The last three nights for example I have been grateful for, “my chemo, limited side effects, for no side effects chemo.” When I review these entries in years to come I will most likely remember that I was actively taking chemo over this Thanksgiving weekend and no doubt be grateful that treatments, like chemo, are a memory. I will be grateful for my health in that and all moments.
As I flip the pages to next week I see that 4 of the 7 days are already completed from 06 – 08. I haven’t read them yet but when I open them next week I will no doubt smile at the entries and remember an event or person or realize something new about what I really value. No question that with each entry I will gain more positivity from the abundance in my life; As the journal promised that
“Good, the more communicated, the more abundant grows.”
Update – Alyson finished the Simple Abundance Journal of Gratitude on August 4th, 2010, 12.5 years after she purchased it, and has now started a new journal where I continue to reflect on what I am grateful for but also review what I am proud of each day.
